I am lucky enough to say I have met the love of my life, truly I didn’t want anyone else but him, forever and always, till death do us part. But sad to say, he left me and broke my heart and I haven’t been myself since. We were together three years (on and off because, well, lets face it..nothings perfect.) But we finally decided we were each others “the one”. We would be together for eternity. <3 We went apartment and job searching and everything was so perfect. We found a perfect apartment, we both got jobs, I was going to school. We got the apartment on August 1st, and I will never forget the look on his face. We were so happy, he was so happy. I had never felt more accomplished, more happy, my life was perfect. He didn’t have a job yet and we had no money and the date to move in was 19 days later, we had to come up with $1400 in 19 days. Alone, in 19 days I came up with all the money. So I could just be with him, everyday for the rest of my life. A few days after we moved in together, he got activated. (He is in the military and had to go to NYC for a few days/weeks[we didn’t know how long] for that hurricane shit that happened.) I cried and cried while he was gone, calling him and texting him every chance I could get. He finallyyyy came home to me, not only to leave one day later for drill. But that one day he was home, was PERFECT. Seriously, it was something out of a movie, we layed in bed together and he sang me love songs. I still have the recordings on my phone, and yeah, I still listen to them. 36 days after we had moved in, he told me he didn’t miss me when he was gone and he didn’t love me anymore….after three years, and the PROMISE to never be apart, the promise to one day make a family and a home. It was all ended simply because one day he woke up and decided he didn’t love me anymore. Needless to say, I was heart broken. This kid, had ripped out my heart, shot it, stomped on it, and threw it down the garbage disposal. That day I literally begged him to kill me, that I refused to live without him, after he laughed in my face, I decided I would take my own life..after deeply contemplating how I would do it, I decided overdosing would be too risky, because how would I know I would die, and I didn’t want to feel pain, I needed it to be quick…So I thought drowning myself in the bathtub would work efficiently, I wasn’t strong enough to stay under the water and take my own life…So I drove about an hour and a half away to find these train tracks that was ironically the cool place to hang out at back in high school (a bunch of us would go there, smoke, drink, wait for the trains to go by and sit on the bridge as the train whizzed right underneath us) I would wait for a train and jump…In my hysteria, couldn’t breathe, couldn’t see, my eyes full of tears, and thoughts of the pathetic life I would live without him…I was a mess. And I sadly could not find the stupid bridge so I drove all the way home and cried myself to sleep. Every night, again and again and again I cried myself to sleep. I cried in class, I cried in the shower, I cried everywhere, all the time. He was my life, and I didn’t know how to survive without him. I had not the slightest clue how to move on from him, let alone love again. And this is when things just went to shit…The only way I know how to fix any bad feelings I have is to drown them in alcohol. So I threw a party…In the apartment that was supposed to be our home, I threw a fucking rager. LONG story short…stupid fuckers showed up and trashed my place, threw shit off my balcony and smashed my neighbors windshield. I got two tickets that night and charges pressed against me, even though I had nothing to do with the low life that threw the shit besides the fact he was at my house. So in one month, my car broke down, I was car less. Stephen left me, I was boyfriend less/loveless. And I was evicted from my apartment because of that party, I was homeless. And I had gotten a total of five tickets this month. I begged and cried for the landlord to not kick me out because I would have nowhere to go and luckily he let me stay. So home, check. Still no car, still no love. And a bunch of court dates and unpaid tickets. I had never been more low, more depressed, more hurt, more suicidal. I hit rock bottom, and somehow, I kept going lower. I didn’t know how to pick myself up, I didn’t know how to fix my life…I guess little by little shit fell into place. I bought a car, and went to all the court dates, and paid all my tickets, and got a boyfriend. But our relationship…was SHIT. All I was doing was pretending this kid was Steve and trying to make him Steve, and thinking about Steve and dreaming about Steve. I finally broke down and texted Steve in December, told him I still loved him, always have and always will. And I would always be there if he ever wanted me back. And you know what he did?…he sent me a picture of the big ass diamond he bought his new girlfriend…crushed me again. I still think about him every single day, not a day goes by that I don’t wish he would miss me, or want me, or that his new little girlfriend would stab him in the heart like he did me. But they’re happy together which hurts me even more, I know for a fact no one will love him as much as I do. Some days I have hope and believe that fate will bring us back together someday, and other days I don’t believe. I’m so different since he left, I feel disconnected, more cut off from the world. I don’t share my feelings, I don’t even know if I have any feelings. I’m tired, but I don’t sleep. I’m hungry, but I don’t eat. I’m just depressed and the only thing I think that will fix that is him. It’s sad that my whole life is dependent on him, I think its pathetic actually. But I guess that’s what true love is…
Now I’ve been with my new boyfriend since October 1st, and it took me SO long to let my guard down and let him in, the first few months of our relationship were obviously terrible because I didn’t know how/didn’t want to let go of Stephen, but I was so depressed for so long and so unhappy with everything in my life, I decided one day I couldn’t hold onto him anymore, I had to let go and move on. So when I FINALLY let my walls down, after being so closed off from everything around me…the very first thing that happens?!. I get crushed. The new boyfriend was texting his old girlfriend who he is still in love with about having sex with her. I was SO hurt, I finally let him in and he just hurt me so badly.
I still don’t know how to deal with anything and I’m just a big mess.
February 9th 2012- I just watched the notebook, and literally balled my eyes out, like hysterically crying. Not because it’s a sad movie, but because the way Noah and Allie feel about each other… that endless love that never wilts no matter what, that’s how I feel about Stephen. I can literally feel something missing inside me. This sounds so stupid and I can’t explain it, but something is LITERALLY missing, I can feel it inside of me. I don’t know, maybe someone else who’s heart is forever broken knows what I mean? But every single day, I am so depressed and I contemplate going on depression pills but I don’t, because I’ve heard getting off of them is such a pain in the ass and because I feel like nothing can cure this depression but him, nothing or nobody can mend my broken heart except for him. The only thing that could make anything better is him. When we were together, our relationship was THE most dysfunctional relationship, but I wouldn’t rather be with anyone in the world but him. Just like Noah and Allie, I want to fight with him, and make up with him. Because “Well, that’s what we do. We fight. You tell me when I’m being an arrogant son of a bitch and I tell you when you’re being a pain in the ass. … So it’s not gonna be easy. It’s gonna be really hard. And we’re gonna have to work at this every day, but I want to do that, because I want you. I want all of you, forever, you and me, every day.”
On Saturday March 3rd 2012—He texted me…. “Jessica Rae” Oh how my name has never looked so perfect except for his name as the sender of that text. I felt my heart melt a little. He told me to get on skype so after rushing to try to look as perfect as I could in a short amount of time, I got on and we talked for an hour and 20 minutes, and he told me how him and his girlfriend broke up and he wanted to me drive out to get him (he lives about two hours away) but of course if you’ve read my story, you know theres no way in hell i wouldn’t go get him…so I did. After all this time, I was finally with him again, and you want to know something?, it was one of the worst nights of my life. Literally all he did was cry about Sarah (his most recent ex) and all I did was cry about him. We layed in my bed, both of us crying (I was more balling then crying) I really don’t want to relive any more of this night, but we did have sex, twice….but funny thing is, it was nothing like we had before, before we were in love, before he actually loved me. I could see it in his eyes he had absolutely no more feelings for me. So we fought, and I drove the two hours back to drop him off, and know that we would never speak again.
Now, I’m just lost and confused.. I wasted so much time hoping he would come back to me, I was so depressed, and suicidal over this?, I don’t know…I guess when things end, there must be reason. I can’t wait for him anymore, I can’t waste any more of my time or love on him. Now I’m just waiting on that one person to walk into my life who will make me his everything, who will truly love me forever and always, and who will remind me there is a reason it didn’t work out with Stephen..someone who makes me happy, and makes me want to wake up everyday. Oh man, I can not wait for you. <3
May 1st 2012- Well guys, I did it again. I don’t know why on earth I keep doing this to myself, the second he gives me the slightest time of day, I’ll run back into his arms and hope to stay there forever. We’ve been hanging out and cuddling and making sweet love, its like nothing ever happened between us, he was calling me beautiful and telling me he missed me and I believed him…again. Until today we got in a fight about sarah and he sent me this text..
“How dare you call her a cunt! She is the most beautiful, amazing woman I’ve ever met. The reason I spoil her is becuase she means the world to me and I don’t want to see her anything but happy. I’d give her the universe on a silver platter just to see her smile. Sorry you weren’t as lucky as she is. Me and her just have a better connection from day one than me and you ever thought about having, so take your jealously else where.”
……I just want to die.
I know a few of you follow this story of mine, well I have an update for you..
May 14th 3:36pm—“Sorry about last time we talked. I was developing feelings for you again and I had to cut them off before it was to late and you moved to SC.”
And I was strong enough to not respond, because you know what, he was probably just high, or bored, or horny. And I am sick to death of being his little call girl. I refuse to do this anymore. Besides, I’ve met someone new you can read about in my “Fate?” tab….
“I promise I will always come back to you, no matter how lost I become and how tightly I need to squeeze. Whisper to me and I will come home.”